It's the Struggling

I am a slave to my medications. The amount in my hand at the end of the day is a bit bewildering. And the combined dosage is beyond my comprehension. Maybe not as much as some folks out there but surely more than I care to take. They aren't even differently colored from one another. Just different shades of white. Oh and there is that brightly colored red one I take in the morning. Actually I only take a quarter of that one due to it's high strength and my addictive personality. I still struggle day to day with things but these things I find struggling are different than what I used to struggle with. Right now at the moment I am struggling with finding motivation in doing anything. Even to write this or to right anything for that matter. When I am not at work, I sit at home trying to find something to do. I only know one thing and that's bicycle mechanics. I have slaved over it for the past two years and lost my creative side. I have two new diagnoses to add to arsenal but feel it's the effects of my new medicines. With every new med brings on at least two side effects which needs to be addressed. Or does it need to be addressed. Maybe I could just deal and maybe I just will. I have tried to wing myself off my medications but need a better support system to do such a thing. It's harder to get off these pills than it was to get on them. I sweat and panic when I try to get off them. I see things and my body feels strange and my head is out of sorts. I get depressed and sad and quite. I barely talk as it is cause even I am tired of hearing what I have to say which pertains to two things. The two things I know best. Fixing bicycles and being sick. And this is where I am at right now. I want to be on as little prescriptions as possible. I think I am losing my soul and that I have lost my creative quirky edge on life. I don't laugh newly as much as I used to nor do I feel sorrow for much. These pharmaceutics are slowly taking me out. I'm not sure if that is even the right word. Bleh.

Entry your eyes

So here I am back in Colorado. It has been a while huh? Since like the middle of summer when I was in New York. Battling about bike shop politics and doing things right and not dicking people over.

Now I am back with Jason and Fallon trying to start my own bicycle shop. Like all things I do. Trying i my way.

At times I have no clue what the hell I am doing. My condition gets me going and I am all motivated. Then I hit a wall and slump. Slump. Every slump gets worse and worse. Almost to the point like cars crashing into walls.

And I am a prisoner to this. The thing I have battled for years. The thing that has taken me to new places, towns and cities. The things that confuses me and my actions are unclear to me and myself and mostly any of the 5 friends that can still communicate with me.

I am no longer a normal person. Not with these sounds and stringed together long and short syllables echoing in my head. Or the shit that flows through these walls. Those terrify me. It all frightens me to a point of exhaustion.

I am now a prisoner to these meds, my schedule and pissing of my friends in new ways. Lucky for me I am strong and I can handle people being pissed at me.

And My love life you ask? If you've kept up or read the back log, there has been many women in my life. I don't feel I can trust them or my own feelings for that matter. I look back and realize the mayhem I have caused. Girls who think they can keep up with me. Women that thought they can handle me and take care of me.

With all this how, how the hell did I get so fukcing lovable?

It's just the way the eds make him

I decided to stop taking y adderral today and oh holy hell is it different. I'm so relaxed. And calm. And though everything seems clear and simple, I am a bit less ambitious. A lot less actually. I spent all day, my day off, doing absolutely nothing. And I loved it.

It seems the drug makes me want to be something. Striving to do something amazing with my life. Trying so hard to get somewhere big. And grand. Always trying to get ahead. Taking on anything and everything to get there as quickly as possible. And at what cost? Any. I am ill prepared at most times and Ill experienced. I should just take my time.

And at this point I may disappear for a moment. From contact. My phone is broke so I am taking this time be alone. Ish. And recollect myself.

She's pretty pissed, But she still loves you.

Dear Diary,

Fuck you....

Na. I'm kidding. What a great week end-ish type thing I have had with my lady. We went to Manhattan and walked around for a bit. Hitting up the park and that other place with all the lights and what nots. Bike shops and trains and sex museums filled our day. 5th avenue and other important streets crossed our paths. Early next week I am going to Wall Street to play with Business Men.

So I am having a bit of trouble these days with parents. Not mine. But others. Though I have never met these type folks, they seem to hate my guts. And not even things that I have done to them. But break there daughters Hearts. So they think. My last lady was a terrible liar and very abusive. She only told her parents about the heart ache she'd have over me but never the true reason why she was having the heart ache. They only saw her side. There wasn't a thought in their head that she could have done anything wrong like hit me or lie to me or cheat.

I seem to be having a semi similar problem at the moment with some one I feel very close too. Some one super duper special. And her rents don't like me either. Why don't these two like me? Is it the arm of tattoos? Yes. The fact that I don't own a car but ride a motorcycle year round? I think yes. And maybe a biggie but maybe cause I dipped out of Athens two days before they were coming to meet me to take a job, my career, in another state. For sure.

I can understand all these accusations and the such but what of the good things that I did for the lady? And just maybe the parents don't know my side of the story either. It's a matter of perception I believe.

My lady has never done anything wrong to me at all. She's a bit nutty but so am I. But she is absolutely the sweetest caring supportive lady I have ever met. I am on the cooky side. Strange and off beat at all times. But I made full aware to her about my conditions a week into our endeavor. She didn't care. She just asked of way to help. When I get manic she keeps me grounded. When I get depressed she comforts me and brings me up.

I lost my job at Ciamillo and she said all would be fine. That she'd take care of me and help me out. But I wouldn't have it that way. I didn't feel right about that. So found work, in my field of study, and pursued it. Yes outta state but isn't that what people do? Move to follow their career. To excel and to have work. I can't just sit and mooch off her. I don't feel right about that sort of thing. She tried to do things for me and buy things but I wouldn't have it.

And yes this money is coming in but I love my job and what I do and will continue to always do it. And if my lady gets a fantastic job op in her career field we will be sure to venture off into those lands. It's only right.

I do love her dearly and we fought on this whole thing for a bit about being away. She did come up and she's been here for like four days and we both discovered something about each other that we never realized before. Which makes our commitment truly unique.

I don't mean any harm to my friends and family in my actions and ways of life. I am very open about who I am and my faults. And that's only to protect people around me.

Welp. That's it for today. It's raining and Lindsay and I are cuddling before she heads out back to Georgia. Bye for now Neggroes.

Say La Vee

So I realized that this is the most I have posted back to back. Very unlike me I may add. I'm a tad manic and do believe I was misusing my blog. For my own sick intentions. I'm back on track though and once again I am back on track though and once again. And on and on and on and on.

Lindsay and I our off too work in a few. She doesn't no it yet butt I am aboot two make her a beautiful breakfast.

Ja will provide

Anonymous "Remember you need to ship Lindsay's stuff, money and all to her ASAP. Then disappear off the face of the Earth, forever......never in my life have I heard of anyone this sorry....."

Anonymous "A warrant has been issued for your arrest!!!!!"

"You got a lot of gall calling somebody a mother fucker."

First off, who uses the word "Gall"? Haha. I just learned how to check my comments on here, again, and they are quite ridiculous. I would say. For you all to get involved in all this but don't have the whole story is a bit silly. And even to post comments anonymously is a bit coward. But who am I to say. i can be too. But then again I have no one to answer too. Except my ma.

Any hooty. Much love to all and I hope your days are as good as my future days. Be peaceful faggot fuckers. All is better for her and us now..

ssa a m'I

No really. I am. I've manipulated a very beautiful lady to come up here to the dirty streets of Brooklyn to get her stuff back, camera and oh my gawd.... T-shirt, only to destroy her hopes and dreams of ever being with such a catch....... At least I got my stuff back.

No really. I believe every one has got me wrong. Or for that matter.... Doesn't get me at all. I don't even get me at times. Somethings are clear. But Not much and not all the time. But her. She gets me. And does not judge. She understands. The only one in a few close type friends that understands and gets it and happens to be a girl.

I know. I admit I am crazy and random and all over the place but at least I am not alone in this. At least I have someone I can tell all my secrets too. I don't ever feel I have to lie. Or make shit up. I can actually be my self for once and not hide a bit about my self.

I live in Brooklyn. New York. I never thought it but I love it here. I fit fine. Kinda. It's comfortable to say the least. Easy. And fun.

So I am about to embark into a whole new life with you! Different from anything else ever.

Off me if you will ma'am, I love her dearly.