I am at the cafe after a pretty wild night. I slept in a homebuilt shack in the woods of North Carolina. So many fears of not having enough money or a place to stay are arising-so many doubts. Yet in the end I slept for many hours. Now it is so nice to sit in a restaurant and feel not poor or like a bum. Though I pretty much am but I pretend otherwise.
These fears and insecurities are quite wild and deep. I had thoughts to bail out last night. I questioned what I was doing out here. But how can I go back when, by going back, I would be only using someone else to fill my loneliness and my unmet fears? How can I entirely love anyone as I depend upon them for this?
Some days out here I feel incredibly worthless and like I have no purpose. Which really I don't. My only purpose at this point is to serve others and help them with there needs since I have none. I haven't really created any either. Could that be a true statement? We create a need and purpose for ourselves in order to feel worthwhile and like we actually belong here.
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So true, about people creating their purpose... and maybe this is why its hard to be "in between jobs", or "in between homes" or in "between lifestyles".
It is scary to be a person without a 5-year-plan, and no specific career goals to speak of. Scary, but also liberating. The real truth of it is that even the most successful, goal-driven people don't actually have solid ground to stand on. They are just pretending like everyone else. It is brave not to pretend.
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