It's the Struggling

I am a slave to my medications. The amount in my hand at the end of the day is a bit bewildering. And the combined dosage is beyond my comprehension. Maybe not as much as some folks out there but surely more than I care to take. They aren't even differently colored from one another. Just different shades of white. Oh and there is that brightly colored red one I take in the morning. Actually I only take a quarter of that one due to it's high strength and my addictive personality. I still struggle day to day with things but these things I find struggling are different than what I used to struggle with. Right now at the moment I am struggling with finding motivation in doing anything. Even to write this or to right anything for that matter. When I am not at work, I sit at home trying to find something to do. I only know one thing and that's bicycle mechanics. I have slaved over it for the past two years and lost my creative side. I have two new diagnoses to add to arsenal but feel it's the effects of my new medicines. With every new med brings on at least two side effects which needs to be addressed. Or does it need to be addressed. Maybe I could just deal and maybe I just will. I have tried to wing myself off my medications but need a better support system to do such a thing. It's harder to get off these pills than it was to get on them. I sweat and panic when I try to get off them. I see things and my body feels strange and my head is out of sorts. I get depressed and sad and quite. I barely talk as it is cause even I am tired of hearing what I have to say which pertains to two things. The two things I know best. Fixing bicycles and being sick. And this is where I am at right now. I want to be on as little prescriptions as possible. I think I am losing my soul and that I have lost my creative quirky edge on life. I don't laugh newly as much as I used to nor do I feel sorrow for much. These pharmaceutics are slowly taking me out. I'm not sure if that is even the right word. Bleh.